I hate what I do and do it anyway

Romans 7:15-24 (New Living Translation)

¹⁵ I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. ¹⁶ But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

 ¹⁸ And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[a] I want to do what is right, but I can’t. ¹⁹ I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. ²⁰ But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

 ²¹ I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. ²² I love God’s law with all my heart. ²³ But there is another power^[b] within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. ²⁴ Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?

I feel like if the above verses were written for anyone in this world, that person is me. But the thing is, whatever I'm dealing with doesn't always have to be "sinful". I have lots of vices that may not be "sins" per se, but just bad habits. I don't understand why sometimes it is so easy to pick up a bad habit and so difficult to start a good one? Say if I were to decide I wanted to quit eating chocolate so much, I know without a shadow of a doubt that not too long after I'd made that resolution, chocolate would be the only thing I could think of. It's like whatever I decide I don't want to do becomes this thing I obsess over until 1 of 2 things happens: 1) I get angry that I can't do what I want and become this very difficult person to be around or 2) I get super discouraged because I think that whatever this struggle is, it's always going to be as hard as it is in that very moment.



Sometimes as soon as you start thinking "Oh, I've got this problem licked. I'm good. Thank goodness that's over", uh-oh, what's that? You might have a setback and there you are, right back to square one. I know everyone deals with these things every now and again but sometimes it's easy to feel isolated with your frustration. I know life is nothing if not a constant battle between right and wrong, good and bad, fattening and non-fattening, etc. but some days I just want whatever is right to come easy. I just want to not have to struggle with my flesh. Stupid flesh. Why does it always want to do stuff that's bad, anyway? It would be so refreshing to, just one day out of 10, lean toward things that are virtuous and productive and healthy. But no. I always tend toward things that are lazy and unhealthy and useless and have to drag myself to do the right thing. And I have to admit, I lose the battle lots of days. Most days, even, depending on the particular vice in question.

Okay...enough, right? I've had lots of victories lately and I'm supremely grateful for those. I thank God that He has come to my rescue more times than even I know. It is easy to get whiny and frustrated but will-power and discipline are necessary. A win is a win but a battle that's been hard-fought is able to be appreciated much more than one that's won easily I guess. So, I'm done fussing for now and will keep trying to do what I'm supposed to do. And hoping that I and everyone else can see from the above that at least if I ain't doing what I'm supposed to do, I'm at least giving myself a hard time about it. ;)