Speaking of Father's Day...

*Update*

I chose to make the cookies today, just to see how they turned out. As you can see, they look pretty yummy IMO (forgive my sorry photography skills) but are labor intensive and messy. My beloved is worth it of course, but I'm not entirely sure the cookies are. My verdict: rich,tasty, texturally appealing, but not something I'll add to my usual repertoire of bakey things because of the work:yumminess ratio.

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Weren't we? Speaking of Father's Day, I mean. We should've been since dads don't always get the props they deserve. Seems like it snuck up on me and I don't have anything planned b/c I suck and don't deserve someone like Craig who's sweet and romantic when it comes to holidays. I've been trying (belatedly, as per my usual m.o. *sigh*) to figure out what to do for Craig for Father's Day, and since I'm not super creative with gift-giving I've been leaning toward making some kind of goody to eat. He, like lots of other doods out there, loves PB and chocolate together so I'm trying to decide what to make using those ingredients and the possibilities are apparently endless. So, now I'm paralyzed with indecision which always happens when I'm presented with too many choices!!

Recently, for work I made this pie and got rave reviews because, well, it was ridiculously good. (And I'm not bragging, I literally don't think this could turn out badly no matter who made it!!)



But then, I saw these and may have changed my mind! Who doesn't love a cookie?! I thought about making more than one thing but he would probably be a little fake angry at me for doing so since he's trying to maintain his recent weight loss and I'm pretending to be thinking about losing weight myself. Decisions, decisions!! Ya'll wish me luck!! :)

Kicking "Prince Charming" to the Curb

OK, so, yesterday I watched The Notebook for about the 15th time. Love that movie, cry like a little baby every time. (So unoriginal, I know. Barf! Whatever.) But amidst all the sniffling and snotting, I started wondering if a love like Noah and Allie's really exists and why doesn't my husband come after me like Noah did for Allie and blah, blah, blah. That movie made me start feeling sad and wistful even though I in fact, have a very handsome and romantic husband and a wonderful relationship with him.

Thankfully God didn't let me wallow in that place for very long. In truth, I know that love like they show in the movies exists but it's not as pretty as they depict it. I started thinking about love in general and how we perceive it in our own lives. What really makes us feel loved? Is it making love with the same passion they do in movies? Is it coming back to someone after a long separation only to find that your feelings for them have grown instead of diminished? I don't know, I guess it's different for everyone. But I do know that by watching movies like that and reading books like that, we can start to examine our own love lives and often find them falling short of what we see and read. We get these expectations formed in our head of what other people's relationships might be and wonder why our own are lacking. We start to wonder why we aren't being loved like that. We may start to to question the choices we've made concerning our mate and that is precisely where the devil wants us to be.

By nature, by God's very own design, women are built to desire being pursued. We want to feel passionately desired and not just physically. We wish to be faultless to our beloved because they're so enamored of us. We want (even if you tell yourself that you don't) on some level to be romanced. The world has told us that these attributes make us needy and codependent and desperate. Conversely, men are taught to be the hunters, gatherers; our protectors and providers, our spiritual leaders and bread-winners. (and hey, I know these aren't very modern ideas. Sorry. Move on if you don't like it) God made these natures and ways of men and women to complement each other and work together, to flow in a system that works well when we all act like we're supposed to. But the common popular belief systems of today have perverted and tempted and taunted our very God-given natures to work against us. How can we be passionately pursued by our husband if he's off pursuing the American dream instead? How can we feel wanted when his head and heart are instead filled with wanting things? So as a result of our needs going unmet, we're left feeling restless, hurt, disappointed and unsatisfied. Then compound these bad feelings with exposure to these utopian visions of fictional relationships and WHAM!--dis-as-ter. We can start feeling like we've settled or chosen wrong. We get angry with our spouse for not being the man we think we ought to have. We start thinking that our love life should be like a fairy-tale.

The overall takeaway I wish people would get from this post is to stop wishing your mate and your life were different. To stop holding your relationship to the same standard of an invented life someone else has created. We need to stop comparing our beautiful (perfect-in-their-own-way)apples to their make-believe oranges. We need to stop being resentful of the circumstances in our lives and discounting the blessings God has given us. We need to stop being angry at our men and start being thankful for the good they do. And if they aren't yet who we need them to be, to pray for them until they are; to help them realize their potential in Christ. Stop using your leisure time looking at things that are going to make you think of things you don't have and instead spend it seeking things that add to the beauty that is your life.

It has been widely acknowledged that watching porn has changed how men see women in their sexual relationships and changed their expectations of our activities, performance and appearance. They've changed because of these "New!" and "Improved!" things they're exposed to and what they've seen these fake people in this fake situation are "enjoying" (yeah, whatevs.) It isn't fair to women to be held to these new standards, right? Especially when what folks have been doing since the world began have been working just fine. Well, the same is true of women and our hyper-romantic t.v./movie watching and book reading. Those are like emotional porn for women. Proverbs 4:23 says "Above all else, guard your heart. For everything you do flows from it". I feel like this is relevant in this situation because we need to learn to guard our heart from things that change our expectations of our mates to this unattainable standard. We need to guard our mind and what we put into it. If you don't curse, why would you want to see or hear or read things with cursing since that will only put those words in your head? Like it or not, we are influenced by outside sources. It is not only children who are susceptible to peer pressure and the allure of "fitting in" to societal norms. Even if we are confident in our salvation and our beliefs and our marriages, we still have the very real potential of being led astray if we aren't vigilant.

Another risk factor that can lead to disappointment in our mate can not only come from things we watch or read or listen to but maybe from our own possibly dysfunctional past. It's not at all fair to place the burden of "fixing" our self-esteem on our partner. Our self-worth should be coming from God and who we are in Him. We can't realistically place all of our emotional needs on our spouse because that will inevitably lead to disappointment every time. If you have a history of neglect or abuse, there is absolutely no way at all possible that one man is going to attone for that unless His name is Jesus. So we have to quit punishing our husbands and being angry with them for not being all that we need because they weren't designed to be. Our spouse was never intended to fill the God-sized hole that exists in all of us. Only He is able to handle all our needs and carry all our baggage. We are in no way good enough for Him, but He treats us as though we are and in fact, tells us in a love letter (the Bible) that we are beloved and precious. His Word tells us that He is so aware of us that He knows the number of hairs on our head. We are reminded that He cares even for the sparrows, so how much more does He care for us? We can't be dependent on displays of affection from any earthly person or a slave to attention from any man because we are assured of our worth to our Father.

I pray that instead of me nagging or begging for love, my husband will allow God to show him what I need. I pray that I won't be misled by pretend love stories about other people but that I can appreciate the love story that God is writing for me and my husband. I pray that I can quit finding fault with all that my husband is not but find a genuine appreciation for all of the awesome and desirable qualities that he does have! I am so blessed beyond measure and I want the Holy Spirit to remind me of that on a daily basis so that there is no room for wishing, longing, or dreaming of things that don't exist. I don't want to constantly be looking for what is right in front of my face. Constantly ignoring what is in our hands in order to cultivate a desire for what can't be will only lead to constant defeat in our heart. God wants us to abide in joy and victory in our marriage and our life!! :)

Starting over...All over again

Here we go again. I have no idea how many times I'll have to use that line but hey, it's ok. When I first decided to start blogging I was not in a good place emotionally so it was going to be my way to collect my thoughts and vent and whatever most normal folks use a private diary for. I knew there was no way for me to be totally transparent online but here I went anyway. But any-hoo, fast forward to now and here I am, much happier, more "together" and most importantly, more committed to my God and my spouse and my very blessed life.

I'll probably keep up my first posts, just in case I need a reminder of how far I've come but I'm not anticipating looking at them very often. As the apostle Paul said in Phil 3:13-14: ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I'm excited to share with the visitors of my page the things that God lays on my heart or any fun little thing I find that you might like, i.e. Pinterest recipes (!) and crafty-type activies and whatnot. Here's to shaking off past faults and failures and pressing on toward better things!! :)

Chillin' like a villain

Ahhhh...here I am, basking in the peace and quiet of an empty house. Husband took both the children to school this morning so I've been allowed to stay in my pj's, teeth and hair unbrushed, for a few more hours. I realize that there are approximately 1,200 things on my to-do list that I could be accomplishing right now but I'm choosing to be an UNproductive member of society right now and I'm just hanging out with my trusty laptop. The tv is off and my phone battery is dead so I'm really appreciating the quiet afforded me right now. I forget sometimes what quiet sounds like. I don't even really get annoyed anymore by the hustle and bustle and loudness of family life because I'm used to it but, oh man, when I get a sweet little gem of a moment like this--I enjoy it. As mentioned half a million times already on this sparsely-used blog, I love to read but I also love to surf the 'net, play Angry Birds on my phone, lounge in the bath, and watch Glee episodes I have saved on dvr and if you'll notice, almost all these are one-woman activities. (Of course, you can have more than one person in the bath but it gets a little crowded.) So, in order to do a lot of the things I love, it's helpful if I can be by myself some. Of course, one of the other things I love is being around my family, so of course I miss them when they're away but it is nice to have only me, myself, and I for company sometimes too. So, on that note, I shall bid you adieu--the tub is calling my name!

Delinquent blogger!

Hi again! It's been so long since I've blogged...I feel a little guilty even though I'm sure nobody has been on pins and needles waiting for a new installment. :) The truth is, I've kind of hit a slump lately. Been in the doldrums, if you will. I don't know why, it's just hit me and I've been having trouble getting and staying motivated to do anything really. I so enjoy writing and stuff so I don't know why it's hard sometimes to do something you enjoy doing but at times, it feels like too much effort to do anything, even fun things. I know, I know what it sounds like and I don't want to hear it. It'll pass--it always does. I just have to tough it out for a little while and I'll feel better.

Have actually gotten some good news since my last post! As a surprise for my birthday, my husband and in-laws decided to plan a trip for us all to go to Disneyworld in May! I'm soooo stoked b/c I love all things Disney. (I don't wear cartoon-themed clothing or keep any kind of knick-knacks around my house that are Disney-themed or anything like that, don't worry!) Like most other folks, I just feel like a kid again when I get to the Magic Kingdom. I've been looking forward to going for myself but I'm really, really excited for my kids to get to experience it. I don't want to put too much pressure on them or myself but I just can't wait for them to see it! Not leaving 'til May so we have plenty of time for the anticipation to build!

Okay...not much else to say right now. Or rather, like always, too much to say but not enough time or space to do it in. Will try not to wait so long before next post and will try to perk up before then. Until next time...!

I hate what I do and do it anyway

Romans 7:15-24 (New Living Translation)

¹⁵ I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. ¹⁶ But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

 ¹⁸ And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[a] I want to do what is right, but I can’t. ¹⁹ I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. ²⁰ But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

 ²¹ I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. ²² I love God’s law with all my heart. ²³ But there is another power^[b] within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. ²⁴ Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?

I feel like if the above verses were written for anyone in this world, that person is me. But the thing is, whatever I'm dealing with doesn't always have to be "sinful". I have lots of vices that may not be "sins" per se, but just bad habits. I don't understand why sometimes it is so easy to pick up a bad habit and so difficult to start a good one? Say if I were to decide I wanted to quit eating chocolate so much, I know without a shadow of a doubt that not too long after I'd made that resolution, chocolate would be the only thing I could think of. It's like whatever I decide I don't want to do becomes this thing I obsess over until 1 of 2 things happens: 1) I get angry that I can't do what I want and become this very difficult person to be around or 2) I get super discouraged because I think that whatever this struggle is, it's always going to be as hard as it is in that very moment.



Sometimes as soon as you start thinking "Oh, I've got this problem licked. I'm good. Thank goodness that's over", uh-oh, what's that? You might have a setback and there you are, right back to square one. I know everyone deals with these things every now and again but sometimes it's easy to feel isolated with your frustration. I know life is nothing if not a constant battle between right and wrong, good and bad, fattening and non-fattening, etc. but some days I just want whatever is right to come easy. I just want to not have to struggle with my flesh. Stupid flesh. Why does it always want to do stuff that's bad, anyway? It would be so refreshing to, just one day out of 10, lean toward things that are virtuous and productive and healthy. But no. I always tend toward things that are lazy and unhealthy and useless and have to drag myself to do the right thing. And I have to admit, I lose the battle lots of days. Most days, even, depending on the particular vice in question.

Okay...enough, right? I've had lots of victories lately and I'm supremely grateful for those. I thank God that He has come to my rescue more times than even I know. It is easy to get whiny and frustrated but will-power and discipline are necessary. A win is a win but a battle that's been hard-fought is able to be appreciated much more than one that's won easily I guess. So, I'm done fussing for now and will keep trying to do what I'm supposed to do. And hoping that I and everyone else can see from the above that at least if I ain't doing what I'm supposed to do, I'm at least giving myself a hard time about it. ;)

Censorship

For days now, I've been pondering what to blog about next. I've started and deleted multiple posts. Some of them I thought "This is dumb, no one wants to read about this boring mess" but others I've had to stop myself and ask if I was giving too much away. I am known for being kind of an open book. I'm very free with opinions and feelings, sometimes too much so, I think. In some ways, I kind of like being on the transparent side. People aren't really left guessing about what's going on with me. You don't have to wonder if I'm angry or sad or happy; you don't have to wonder about the "whys" of any of those emotions either, 'cause I'll tell ya that too. However, if say, my husband is the reason behind me being upset one day, it's not fair for me to lambaste him via public forum. People, especially strangers, shouldn't be privy to every aspect of my life.

BUT! Having said that, I like being able to express myself this way. I enjoy being able to let thoughts out and just tap, tap, tapping away at a keyboard. So, I'm just going to have to censor myself a little. And just be careful about what I post, I guess. I don't want to hurt or offend anyone. I don't want anyone to get wrong impressions of me or my life or my family because I'm venting a temporary feeling or frustration. People say that you can't worry about what anyone else thinks, that you have to live your life to make yourself happy but I don't really subscribe to that theory. I think that if we are going to post stuff in a blog we have an obligation to be our authentic selves while still respecting the feelings and sensitivities of the people we care about.

So anyway...that's how I'm going to try to proceed with my musings. And hope I don't ruin my credibility one day if I get annoyed with work or my kids get on my nerves and I get on here and light this page up with profanity. :)